Obama Announces Mandatory Executive Action Solutions to Solve the Global Climate Problem Without Congress, the Courts, or Elections (Parody)

Originally published on

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

on The Bold Pursuit

Mah feller Merkins -- oops-- Ah mean, mah homie boys, wassup?

As everyone knows (except racists, homophobes and non moslems) the world climate is getting changier—sometimes colder, sometimes hotter, and sometimes even samer.

If something is not done, and right now, then matters will get even worse. Sea levels will rise, trees will grow faster, and golf courses will be destroyed.

All my life has been a preparation for this crisis.  Let me explain.

First, I destroyed the Weather Underground. Then I intervened in Syria, and after that I handled the crisis in Benghazi.  Then I warned Putin to stay out of Crimea.

When the IRS crisis arose, I immediately fired the guy who was scheduled for retirement, and as soon as he retired with his full lifetime pension, I replaced him with another guy who won't answer questions.

I promised to get to the bottom of that fake crisis, and I assure you that I will, just as soon as OJ finds the real killers.

Then I hunted down and killed Osama (no relation to me, I hope), with my bare hands and that solved once and for all the problem of world terrorism, as you can all see.

I also solved the problem with me sending guns to the drug cartels in Mexico so I could use that crisis to repeal the Second Amendment, and while we're at it, the others as well. 

Finally, I made sure that all veterans seeking care at the VA Hospitals got timely treatment, unless they didn't, but that was Bush’s fault, along with everything else.

So, as you see, I am the one man who can solve the global warming/cooling/neithering crisis, which will cause the seas to rise or fall or both. 

My comprehensive program to end all CO2 emissions includes shutting down all industries that I don’t like, and then after that, well, that’s all there is to it.

See how easy that is?  When other countries see how nice we are, then they too will impoverish their own nations by shutting down all industries that I do not like, and then we will all benefit because although the climate will keep going just as it always has, nobody will know about it, because I will control all the news.

Well, time for golf.
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